Moving on from Cheating Part 1 - The hours after

What to do in the hours after finding out you have been cheated on.

I have been cheated on 3 of the 4 times that I have been in a serious relationship. 75% success? rate. And some people might say 'Hey, maybe that's on you'.. and I would say, partially. Because I definitely ignored some bright red flags in chasing life with rose coloured glasses on BUT I take zero responsibility or blame for being cheated on.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no angel either. I cheated once in my teens and I will never do it again because it made me feel vile. Guilty, always thinking about it, worried I was pregnant with somebody else’s child (I didn’t know much about sexual health back then), and also assuming I was a bad person.

We all know good people can do bad things, but that is no excuse for disrespecting a relationship for selfish reasons. And cheating is not something that you should accept in a healthy relationship.

I have a lot to say to the types of people who think it’s okay to be selfish in relationships and only cater to their own needs, but if you’re here right now, you’re probably here because you need to know how to deal with these people. So here are the first five things you should think about post finding out that you have been cheated on.

1. You are not to blame. No matter what the cheater says, you have no part of blame in this. It was their choices that brought them here and you have no control over somebody else’s actions. And they knew if would hurt you when you found out.

2. Call your army. Call your family, your friends, whoever you need it to be in person. And when they get to you, give them all of your devices. Anything that has a connection to the internet. I need you to not think about going to their profile, or trying to find the person they cheated on you with. Comparing yourself to somebody else is not the right move and it can cause lasting damage. Right now, you need to focus on making it through the emotions that you are experiencing.

3. Accept it. Seems trivial — it’s not. You need to understand that somebody has done something shitty, and it wasn’t your fault and there is nothing you could have done to stop it. There is nothing you can now do to turn back time and change what you are about to go through. So control what you can, and for now that is accepting this has happened and then making your decisions from there.

4. Don’t make decisions based on fear. Do not make an immediate decision. You might have a feeling you know what the decision is but high emotions can aid incorrect decisions. It takes me over two days to process my emotions after a fight, it might take you less or more but give yourself the grace and time to make a good decision. Don’t stay because you are afraid of being alone and don’t leave somebody you love because you are afraid of being hurt again. There is no right or wrong answer, your situation is yours to own entirely.

5. Keep yourself healthy. If you’re anything like me, you won’t be able to down food or drink after finding out that someone you love has betrayed you. So I mostly blend food when I am extremely anxious, smoothies can be as simple as fruit, oats, yoghurt, coconut milk. Food can be turned into soups — vegetables, cooked rice, beans and liquid stock.

Don’t feel guilty about taking some time off life in general. Some people choose to power through — which I understand and some people like me, are the devastated type. Take those mental health days, those sick days, that is what they are there for. And if you do not have access to those, don’t wall up, explain to people what is happening, that you don’t feel well etc. The likelihood of the people around you having gone through the same thing is high.

One thing I will say, remember that other people are not part of your relationship. They do not have the same feelings and responses and when people give advice, they will more than likely project the feelings they have from their own experiences. Nobody can empathise 100%.

Head to Part 2 for some steps to take in the weeks and months post finding out that you have been cheated on.